I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
