Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
