so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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