Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
