guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
