even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
