he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
