I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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