Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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