There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
