Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
