Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
