and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
