So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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