PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
