I'm jealous of your bromance
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
