I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
