just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
