It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
