ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize