so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
