she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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