Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am in a vortex of obligation.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
