after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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