Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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