I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
please come you make the beer taste better
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
