"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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