I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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