I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
