There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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