Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize