I am in a vortex of obligation.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
