my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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