We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
