Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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