but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
