Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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