she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
