I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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