Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
