Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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