My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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