maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
