Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
