So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize