now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
