The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
