The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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