I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
