Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
