I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
