I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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