We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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