1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
