I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
