Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
