i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize