Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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