I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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