I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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