Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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