I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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