She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
