you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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