Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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