so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
