I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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