I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
